Thoughts after two months of marriage

Marriage isn't about being happy.  It's about becoming holy.  We read all about that in Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas.  You seriously have got to read this book.  Billy had us read it during our pre-marital counseling, but Robert and I both agree it's great no matter what stage you're in - dating, engaged, married, or single.  I think it's safe to say that Gary's focus for the book can easily be seen in everyday life.  Don't get me wrong, being married is definitely a blessing, but I think we do ourselves an injustice when we think that we will automatically be happy once we're married.  I don't know if you're like me, but so often I find myself thinking I'll be completely satisfied once I reach the next point.  At the end of high school I was thinking, "I can't wait to go to college."  At the start of college I was thinking, "I miss high school."  At the end of college I was thinking, "I can't wait to go to grad school."  You get the picture.  Relationships can be the same way.  "I can't wait until we're engaged."  A few months later, "Everything will be so much better once we're married."  Through all of this I'm trying to learn how to be satisfied in today.  Because once you've gotten married what are you supposed to say?  "Everything will be better once ______."  We have kids?  We have money?  Robert's out of school?  Those next steps are so far away.  And once you get to the next step and things aren't perfect you can't help but be majorly bummed out.

After two months of marriage I am by no means an expert, but really, who is?  We're constantly in new phases of life.  I'd wager to say that people who have been married 50+ years still experience challenges.  So it's safe to say I've done my fair share of learning these past two months.  I've learned much about marriage and life and God.

One thing in particular that God has made very clear to me is when arguing with your spouse there's really no use in trying to be right.  Stubbornness will get you nowhere.  It will only lead to you hurting your spouse which ultimately hurts you since you are one.  This is a toughy.  Having an educational background in communication I know how to convey my thoughts and feelings, and I believe I make a very convincing argument for my case, but I've got to let it go.  It isn't about "winning" an argument because that means Robert is "losing," and that's no good.  Why would I want to hurt my spouse just so I can win an argument?  It's insane.  My flesh shouts out in victory, but my heart is sad because I know I've hurt my spouse's spirit.  There's always room for growth.

Progress on the east coast

We've been here for six weeks now.  We've gotten into a bit of a routine, but the routine is about to change - more on that in a bit.  Our current routine goes a little bit like this:
7:30 - Robert's alarm goes off
7:30-8:15 - I try to get Robert out of bed so I can go back to sleep knowing he isn't going to be late for work
8:15-8:40 - Robert gets ready for work, and I steal his pillow and finally get all the blankets to myself
8:45-1:45 ish - Robert works.  In theory he's supposed to get off at 1:45, but it ranges from 1:45-7:30.
8:45 until Robert gets home - I'm bored.  I do things like clean, check the mail, watch Netflix, call people, and sleep.
Whenever Robert gets home we eat lunch or dinner.  Then we spend the rest of the day together.  We'll run errands, play games, have a jam session, or go on a walk.

Some of you might be surprised to hear that I'm still spending my days around the house.  I ended up turning down the job at Aflac.  I'll spare you the details, BUT I'll be starting my new job as a market development specialist at Blackboard on Wednesday, July 18.  Yay!

A new couple moved into our complex this week.  We got to eat dinner with them the other day.  Hooray for new friends!

I think we have everything situated in our apartment.  We hung up wedding photos over our couch yesterday.  Pictures coming soon!

One of our fish died this week. : (  I bought Robert a fish tank for his birthday.  I had gotten him a blue dwarfed gourami last summer, so when we got the tank we added in Baby Blue and purchased some new fish.  We got two fruit salads, two fancy guppies, and an additional gourami to be friends with Baby Blue.  Apparently Baby Blue had a bit of Alpha Male in him.  He started eating at the gourami until he died.  So sad.  We bought two dalmatian mollies to replace the gourami.  They did the trick!  Baby Blue has definitely been put in his place.  Thank goodness!

Wedding Planning Tips

I'd say I learned a thing or two while planning our wedding, so I have taken it upon myself to share my knowledge.  There are so many helpful websites out there, but I found that a lot of them assume you have $20,000+ to spend on a wedding.  If you do - awesome!  If not, that does not mean you have to have a cheap-o wedding.  Throughout the wedding process Robert and I took the approach that, "If we're married at the end of the day it was a success.  The people who are at our wedding love us.  They are happy for us.  Therefore, they will be so happy to be at our wedding, that it doesn't have to be 'perfect' in order for everyone to enjoy it."  Those of you who know me well know that I'm a spreadsheet loving - list making - scheduling - organizing lady through and through.  I had a spreadsheet entitled "Wedding Planning" that had sub-sheets for guest list, budget, to do, shower guest lists, and schedules for the wedding day.

Guest List
For each invitation I had cells for: name, address, potential number of guests, actual number of guests after RSVP, present received, and thank you sent.  Simple and got the job done.

Budget
I kept all receipts and documented each time I made a purchase (location, item(s), price, and date).

To do list
We were engaged for nine months.  It seemed like a good amount of time for us.  Robert and I both agree that a ton of planning happened in the first few months, nothing happened from months 4-6, and then everything picked up again for months 7-9.  So we didn't actually do a ton a stuff for all nine months, but it was necessary to book everything nine months in advance.  Otherwise, we definitely could have pulled it off in 4-6 months.

First monthDetermine budget - How much are the bride's parents planning to pay?  Will they pay monthly installments or give you one lump sum?  What will the groom's parents pay for? (i.e. rehearsal dinner, groom's apparel)  Are you willing to contribute any of your own money?

Choose a color scheme

Search for ceremony venue and book

Have engagement pictures taken

Submit engagement announcement to hometown newspaper after receiving engagement pictures

Search for reception venue and book

Create wedding website (we used The Knot)

Search for photographer and book

Search for florist - We met with the florist and received great help.  She had a book of flowers for each color.  She also helped us pick types of flowers that would fit our budget well.

Search for videographer and book

Second month
Finalize guest list - Have both sets of parents look over the list to make sure you haven't forgotten anyone or misspelled any names

Set up registries - Pick a national chain as well as a local store

Select pastor for ceremony

Select and book ceremony musicians

Meet with photographer to discuss expectations for wedding photography

Third month
Shop for gown - I actually found and bought mine three days after getting engaged :)

Select wedding party - Picked mine the day after getting engaged

Select wedding party outfits - For the bridesmaids I picked a color and type of fabric.  They got to pick the style.  The guys purchased brown dress pants, ivory shirts, blue ties, and brown socks.  They wore brown belts and shoes that they already had.

Search for and book wedding cake baker

Fourth month
Order invitations

Purchase thank you notes

Get veil

Purchase paper goods for reception

Meet with venue coordinator for reception

Plan rehearsal dinner with groom's parents

Fifth month
Schedule wedding day makeup

Schedule wedding day hair

Sixth month
Plan and book honeymoon

Buy wedding shoes

Purchase stamps for invitations and thank you notes

Seventh month
Have first gown fitting

Talk with your bridesmaids in order to plan bachelorette party

Ask bridesmaid to host personal shower

Address invitations

Mail out invitations at the three month mark

Eighth month
Discuss music selection with musician(s)

Purchase gifts for groomsmen and bridesmaids

Have trial run for makeup

Have trial run for hair

Main shower

Ninth month
Purchase a guest book

Mail out invitations to rehearsal dinner

Ask people to help serve food at reception, hand out bulletins and bird seed, etc.

Confirm order with florist

Apply for marriage license

Purchase wedding rings and have them inscribe

Order bulletins

Order food for reception

Wedding month
Make birdseed bags

Purchase clothing for honeymoon

Confirm details for rehearsal dinner

Bachelor party

Bachelorette party

Post-wedding
Clean wedding gown

Make sure everything has been paid in full

Send remaining thank you notes - I would HIGHLY recommend the method of, "Get a gift.  Write a thank you note."  That's what we did, and it was not miserable at all.  It's only miserable when you wait to start writing thank you notes after the wedding and have to sit down to write 300 at once.

Update social security card

Tell alma mater(s) that your name has changed

Update name with health, prescription, dental, and auto insurance companies so they can send you new cards

Forward mail to your new address, and let the post office know that your name has changed

Change your name on your credit card.  Combine account with spouse if you choose.

Change your name with your bank - Get new debit card and checks.  Combine account with spouse if you choose.

Update name on passport

Add your spouse to your car title

Obtain new driver's license

Register to vote with your new last name

Purchase remaining gift registry items



General advice - This experience is meant to bring the two of you closer together.  If you notice something in the process is causing you to disagree then it's time to re-evaluate things and remember what the focus is - uniting in marriage to glorify our Father.  Also, remember that your family and friends want to help you.  You just have to ask.