Feeding Sarah

When Robert was reading one of my blog posts a few weeks ago and I was writing about formula feeding Sarah he asked if I had ever explained to my readers why we formula feed.  I thought surely I had, but then I looked back and realized I hadn't, and then I kind of remembered why I hadn't - it's been such a personal thing and it has felt like one of my biggest failures.  I know I don't have hundreds of readers, but maybe someone will stumble upon this post one day and be encouraged or at least find solidarity and comfort in knowing that someone else has walked this road before them.

Before Sarah was born I knew I wanted to breastfeed.  That's what good moms do, right?  Why would I want to waste money buying formula and bottles?  People who use formula are selfish and don't want to go through the physical pain and extreme time and dedication that it takes.  It's the natural thing to do, so it'll come naturally.  We took the baby classes.  I read the books.  My OBGYN said to stick with it for a month, and then things should be going steady.  I was all set!

And then I actually gave birth.  Due to the hemorrhaging, my body had gone into survival mode and was focused on keeping me alive, not on feeding a newborn.  Sarah had been given formula immediately and during her whole stay at the hospital so she was used to the taste and the ease of getting food as it was cup-fed to her.  Then she had a lip tie which made it impossible for her upper lip to lift up and flange out.  The lactation consultants said to just keep on pumping and feeding her with a cup with breast milk supplemented with formula.  If you ever want to make a new mom and dad reach the breaking point make the mom pump EIGHT TIMES A DAY FOR 30 MINUTES EACH TIME and make the dad feed a FLAILING INFANT WITH A MEDICINE CUP!  And then after a week of that have the dad go back to work and make the mom pump for 4 hours a day and feed her baby for 4 hours a day for a total of 8 hours of day focused on feeding your child.  Wow.  This wasn't going to last.  It was only tolerable when Robert was home because at least he could feed Sarah while I pumped, but when he was at home and I had to pump for 30 minutes while Sarah just laid helplessly wiggling around and screaming her head off it was just too much to handle.  I had to decide between continuing to pump and try to soothe Sarah by just talking to her (never worked) or just put off pumping while becoming extremely uncomfortable physically and getting even further behind on creating enough breast milk to satisfy Sarah's hunger.  I will say that the one turning point was when our friend Rachel told us to just use a bottle.  It was like a light bulb moment.  The lactation consultants wanted us to avoid a bottle so that there wasn't nipple confusion, but feeding Sarah with a medicine cup was a total mess and wasted so much.  Sarah took to the bottle like a champ and liked the first one we ever tried (Dr. Brown's).  I should also add that every time I pumped I was supposed to try to breast feed Sarah.  This resulted in her screaming, sweating, and farting from rage.  No sucking.  No eating.  The best case scenario is that she would just fall asleep, but of course we didn't want that to happen so the LC had us blowing on her, taking off her clothes, and wiping her with a a cold wash cloth.  That's super fun at 2:00am.

Then there was the extreme inconvenience.  I know that breastfeeding can be inconvenient.  I'm sure it can get hot feeling the need to cover up when it's 90 degrees outside.  You can't always find a chair so you have to do it standing up.  Other people can't feed your baby for you.  I know you breastfeeding moms could list a million other stinky parts about it, so I won't even pretend to know your pain, and I know that this list is not exhaustive.  For me, the inconvenience was choosing to either come home every two and a half hours to pump or  bringing my pump with me.  I remember saying no to a family who asked us out to lunch after church because I had to go home and pump.  Ugh.  We traveled to Mississippi while I was pumping.  We had to buy a converter for our car so I could pump in the car while Robert drove.  Super glamorous.

On my 25th birthday I reached my breaking point.  I had to leave my family to go sit in the bedroom and pump for 30 minutes at my own party.  That was enough.  The next day I called my LC to say I wanted to quit. I had given it more than a month like my OBGYN had said to do, and things hadn't gotten any easier at all.  The LC tried to get me to come in for yet another appointment, but I explained what I had been doing and that I had decided that this was the best decision for me.  I started crying when I asked how to quit.  Of course, her first response was, "Do you think you're struggling with postpartum depression?" I understand that she's probably trained to ask that any time a new mom cries, but I responded genuinely when I said, "No, I'm just very frustrated and tired of doing this."  She told me to reduce my number of pumping sessions by one every three days.  I was pumping eight times a day so that meant it would take me about one month to finally be finished.

Making that phone call to quit was very difficult for me.  I felt like I was giving up, like maybe I could have tried harder.  I knew that I would feel embarrassed and ashamed any time someone asked if Sarah was breastfed.  After all, don't most stay at home moms breastfeed?  I felt like I was admitting defeat and failing as a mom and woman, but honestly, the day I started pumping just seven times I felt relief.  Even just having 30 minutes more each day to do anything but pump was relieving, and every time I got to reduce my session by one I got more and more excited.  When I got down to two sessions a day it was a cake walk.  I pumped right when I woke up and right before bed.  It was at that point that I actually sort of started to enjoy being a mom!  I had felt like such a creep for not enjoying every second of pumping, doing laundry, changing diapers, and feeling like my body may never be the same.  I'll save it for another post, but nobody actually likes that stuff!  Nobody will ever say they'd rather recover from a traumatic birth than go on a beach vacation.  Duh.  But I feel like when you're a new mom you sometimes feel like you're supposed to like everything that comes with it.  Obviously you want to be grateful for your new baby, but you don't have to enjoy hooking yourself up to a machine for four hours a day while listening to your baby scream her lungs out.  Anyway, when I stopped pumping I could focus on Sarah more.  I could feed her when she was hungry and not have to try to distract her while I pumped.  I could leave our house for longer periods of time, knowing I could just make Sarah a bottle.  I didn't have to wash the pump parts.  I was human again!

I'll admit, it still stung a little when people would ask if I breastfeed Sarah.  I felt the need to explain the whole story that I just typed up for you, but now I just say no.  If someone is my real friend she already knows the story.  If someone is my real friend she knows that Sarah is fed, happy, healthy, and developing well so she doesn't fear for Sarah's well-being.

When I went to my six week follow up appointment with my OBGYN I was sad to admit that I had decided to stop pumping.  She said, "Amy, how could anyone expect you to breastfeed after what you went through?  I can't believe you stuck with it for as long as you did.  I would have quit after three days.  I fed my son formula, and he's a lawyer now.  My mom fed me evaporated milk, and I like to think that I turned out okay."  Those were exactly the words I needed to hear.  I started to tear up.  I had put more pressure on myself than my OBGYN who knows all the medical benefits of breastfeeding for the baby and mom.  Wow.

For all you moms who have toughed it out and breastfed your babies as long as you had hoped, way to go!  You have provided your baby with great nutrition, you have a special bond, and you'll have memories to last a lifetime.  But to you moms who have formula fed - whether it was after a long battle with pumping, or due to a previous surgery or health condition, or because you just didn't want to do it - you've also provided your baby with great nutrition, you have a special bond, and you'll have memories to last a lifetime.

I wanted to end this post with a special song that Robert and I wrote for Sarah:
Drinking bottles, it's my favorite.
It's a special time for me.
Drinking bottles, it's my favorite.
It gives me all the food I need.
I like to drink my bottles, morning, noon, and night.
I like to drink my bottles, to help me grow up right.

Sarah At Eight Months

Stats
Weight: 20lb (guessing based off of the fact that she was 19lb 14oz two weeks ago at Urgent Care)
Height: 27.25" (guessing)
Head circumference: 17" (guessing)

Sleeping
Night time sleeping starts after a 7:00pm bottle and ends around 7:30am.  She was a little off a few nights this week due to the sickness.  Also, she's been sleeping on her stomach a lot this month which makes her diaper leak more, so she'll wake up drenched and require a diaper, pj, sleep sack, sheet change at 5:00am.  Ugh.  Anyone have a good solution to this other than potty training an 8 month old? ;)  She's a two nap a day girl typically with a 30 minute nap in the morning and a 2 hour nap in the afternoon.  Sleeping in her new car seat looks like it breaks her neck, but it doesn't seem to bother her.

Eating
She still likes to eat 4 bottles that are 8oz a day at approximately 8:00am, 12:00pm, 4:00pm, and 8:00pm.  She's started to be able to hold her bottle by herself with just a bit of guidance.  She tried several new foods this month.  The biggest hit of the month was zucchini.  Seriously.  I think she likes it even more than broccoli!  We mix it with rice cereal and call it zucchini bread.  This is the first food where she's demanded seconds.  She also liked trying pears a lot.  Yogurt and pumpkin are pretty good in her book.  But she had a lot of new foods this month that were a total bust: peaches, plums, lentils, and mango.  The plums were pretty tart, so I don't blame here.  She likes it when I mix yogurt and apple sauce, put it in a Ziploc bag, cut the tip, squirt it onto a wax paper lined cookie sheet, and freeze them into dots.  They make a good first finger food that is cold but melts into a liquid so there's less of a choking hazard.  She thinks they're very interesting.  She likes playing with leftover food and putting her spoon in her mouth after her meals.

Finger painting with plums

Teething with celery

Personality
She has started cracking up a lot more this month.  When I shake my head back and forth is basically a giggle fest.  She likes pretty much any silly noise.  She's even started smacking her lips which is pretty adorable.  She loves petting Mittens, and even just looking at her makes her laugh.  Seeing a picture of a cat in a book is sure to make her a happy camper!  Just saying the word Mittens makes her smile and look around for her kitty cat.  I swear Mittens will be the reason Sarah learns to crawl.

She's really discovering what she likes and doesn't like.  She likes eating, being held, and doing grown up things like playing with kitchen utensils, looking in the mirror, and reading.  If she's not ready to be put down she'll let you know quickly, and then is happy as a clam when you're playing with her again.

Peek-a-boo is a lot of fun!  She likes having her own face hidden, our faces hidden, and when we hide an object or picture in a book.  She likes to drop things from her high chair and have us pick them up for her repeatedly.  She likes hearing her name and looks at you when you say it, and she looks at things when you point at something.

We had the sweetest moment together one night this month.  It was a moment where I realized that one day we will really play together instead of her playing and me watching her.  She drank her bed time bottle, but she still seemed pretty awake, so I just held her and we started a little game with her pacifier.  She would pretend to put it in my mouth, I would pretend to suck on it, and then she would yank it away, crack up, and put it in her own mouth.  We repeated this a few times, and it was so fun!

Playing outside has become a favorite now that the weather is warming up.  Sarah enjoys swinging, stroller rides, playing on a blanket in the yard, and taking in the sights and sounds.

Health and Physical Ability
Sarah really ramped up things in the vocal department this month.  She says Dada when Robert comes home from work, he holds her face to face, and when I talk about Daddy during the day.  She says Mama when she's distressed like when she's hungry, stuck in a position, or a toy is too far away.  Other noises she makes include Nana, Baba, Gaga, and lots of noises when inhaling and exhaling.  Squealing is a favorite too!  Mittens induces the most squeals.

She can stand up when holding onto our fingers now.  This happened for the first time over the weekend.  She also held on to her crib legs this week when I stood her up, but she let go after a minute to grab a toy.

She's totally mastered rolling from tummy to back and back to tummy.  She can turn herself around until she's done a 360 on her stomach.  She's so squirmy during diaper changes now!  She can get down onto her side or stomach from a sitting position.

Crawling seems so close!  She can plank, Superman, do crunches, hike up one leg, tuck her legs under her, bounce around, get on all fours, get on her hands and knees, and push backwards.  Now she just needs to put it all together and she'll be zipping around!

She's inching towards being able to wave at people.  She'll stick out her hand and open and close it when she sees people.

Superficial
Besides the obvious ones that I go on and on about every month - blue eyes, long eyelashes, flawless skin - her hair is really coming in big time this month!  She has two adorable little curls on her left side.  Still wondering if she'll have straight or curly hair.  It's so funny to see her with bed head now.

Highlights of the month

March 5 - Sarah's first concert - A drum line concert for our student Griffen - His school got first place!

March 8 - Day trip to KC

March 11-13 - DNow and a special time with Nana helping for the weekend

March 18-20 - Papa and Babi here from AL

March 17-25 - First sickness

March 20 - Baby dedication

March 22 - Sarah's first ultrasound (for the sickness)

March 22 - Upgraded to big girl car seat

March 25 - Day trip to Bolivar

March 27 - Easter

March 29 - Play date at our house with Charlie and Cora while Lori and I enjoyed chatting.  I got together with the other ministry wives that night, so Robert tucked in Sarah without me.  I enjoyed an evening of gabbing, eating pizza, and watching Grease.

March 31 - The first time for a non-family member to tuck in Sarah for the night!  We went to our friend Colby's college band concert, and Suzy, the mom of two of our students, watched Sarah.  They had a great evening together!  Sarah woke up smiling the next morning, and I think Suzy enjoyed the baby snuggles.

April 2 - Sarah's first wedding - Our friend Gretchen got married.  Sarah lasted through half of the ceremony and did really well meeting new people at the reception.

April 4 - Sarah's first softball game - Robert is playing in the church intramural league again.

Dear Sarah,
You got sick this month, and it wasn't any fun, but do you know what I learned while you were sick?  I love you even more than I thought I did!  I hated seeing you in pain, and I wanted to do whatever it took to make you feel better, but even though I wanted you to feel better, it was still hard to wake up and care for you at 3:00am because I'm a human who needs sleep.  But do you know what?  God will never be too tired to care for you, protect you, and listen to you.  When you can't fall asleep before a test you can talk to God about it and he will listen.  When you're scared to tell the truth and stand up for what you believe in God will be there to encourage you.  When you aren't sure where to go to college or what job to choose God will listen to your questions and concerns and will reveal his path for you.  God will never ever get tired of you asking him questions, and he will never get tired of being your Father whether it's 2:00 in the afternoon or 3:00 in the morning.  God actually loves it when you ask Him questions because that means you want to do what pleases Him and you want Him to tell you how to follow Him all the days of your life.  He will never leave you nor forsake you, and He loves you even more and even more perfectly than I ever could.

Sarah's First Trip to the Pool

Is there anything more adorable than a baby in a swimsuit?  We joined a gym in February, and one reason we picked this particular one is because it has a really nice indoor pool.  There are lap lanes, a family swim area, a slide, water toys, baby area, and a hot tub.  There are men's and women's changing rooms as well as family rooms, and those really make changing Sarah in and out of her swimsuit a lot easier since they're so spacious.  As you can imagine, there aren't a lot of swimsuits for sale in Missouri in February, so I ordered this cute online through Target.

For Sarah's first trip to the pool all three of us went together.  We went when Sarah was rested and fed to ensure that it was as enjoyable as possible.  We had the whole pool to ourselves other than a senior women's aqua aerobics class.  They loved watching Sarah!  

A big fan of the gradual entry!  It's kind of like the ocean where it starts out super shallow and gets gradually deeper.  Sarah enjoyed sitting and splashing to get accustomed to the water.

 No tears, no blow out diapers, and lots of smiles!  Looking forward to going again soon.