It's kind of a blur at this point, but in mid-October I went to urgent care with terrible stomach pain. I was just given an antibiotic and sent on my way which was frustrating. I ended up seeing a new OBGYN at my normal clinic because my previous doctor is in the process of retiring. I got an ultrasound, and there was a uterine fibroid found, but this doctor diagnosed me as having an overactive bladder, and that that was what was giving me pain. What on earth? It just didn't make sense. I didn't have any symptoms of an overactive bladder. So I went to my old OBGYN that I had seen in high school and college. She believes that the fibroid is small enough that it shouldn't be causing this much pain. After running every test imaginable she thinks that the belt of pain that I'm experiencing in my low back, pelvic bone, and low abdomen is caused by sacroiliac joint dysfunction. Her suggestion was to avoid picking up Sarah for two weeks which is easier said than done considering that Robert is also under doctor's orders to not pick up Sarah. We'll see if I start feeling better soon. But anyway, the day after I went to urgent care I had an appointment set up with my dentist because I'd been in pain ever since he gave me a filling a month before. He said everything was totally fine and suggested getting an over the counter night guard. I tried that for two weeks and didn't notice any improvement. He suggested a root canal. It just seemed extreme and too coincidental that this all happened after I got the filling. So again, I got a second opinion from my dad's dentist. He found excess cement on my gum line from the filling and scraped it off and gave me a deep cleaning. I was frustrated that the original dentist wasn't willing to admit his mistake. Unfortunately, I still didn't feel better, so this dentist suggested I see an endodontist. I went in today and got examined and tested, and the good news is that I don't need a root canal. The bad news is that I have TMJ which has been really magnified after having my jaw open wide for all of this dental work. He also saw signs of abnormal wear caused by grinding my teeth and clenching my teeth while I sleep, so I'm going to be doing some exercises and massage and also getting a custom-fit night guard. I'm really hoping for some relief. I've been in pain from this since mid-September.
So then there's Sarah. The day after Robert's big back episode she picked up a 10 pound dumbbell and dropped it on her left big toe. The toenail cracked and bled a lot. It had been over a month, and she started talking about it hurting again, so I took her to the doctor last week, and found out that she had broken it. I was so sad, but reassured that there really isn't anything that you can do for a broken toe. She's walking just fine. Her toenail is also in the process of falling off. Once it totally falls off it'll take about six months to grow back which is sad to me. I've never lost a nail. She's a trooper. But while we were at the doctor for her toe I mentioned that Sarah had been coughing for a few weeks. Turns out she had an ear infection. She's had four ear infections in the last year, so she's going to see an ENT. She's also never seemed to be fully healed from her clogged tear duct, so the ENT should be able to check out that too. And she seems to get lots of lingering colds, so we're going to have him do an allergy test and assess for asthma. I'm hoping and praying for some answers and a positive experience when we get to see the ENT. Seeing your child hurting is just terrible. Also, could you all be praying for Sarah's upcoming urology tests and appointment? On December 15 she will have a renal ultrasound and voiding cystourethrogram (VCUG). She had both of these tests a year and a half ago to officially diagnose her with vesicoureteral reflux. The renal ultrasound isn't bad, but for the VCUG they have to insert a catheter and fill her bladder with contrast dye and watch her bladder fill and empty on an x-ray screen to test the strength and formation of the ureters. The last time she had it done she wasn't even one yet, and she did a good job. I just don't want her to be in pain or scared. Then on the 18th we'll see the urologist to get her updated diagnosis. I'll be honest and say that for the last year and a half I've been praying for a miracle. With all of my heart I want to go in on December 18 and hear that Sarah is fully healed. It will take a miracle. Most kids with grade IV reflux don't grow out of it. It just gets better enough to need a laparoscopic surgery instead of an open anti-reflux surgery. I hate having to give her a daily prophylactic antibiotic in order to prevent UTI's. I also hate the way I feel when people hate on antibiotics and parents who "let" their kids take antibiotics. I want to yell at them and say, "This is the only way I was able to avoid having my seven month old daughter have open surgery and stay at a children's hospital for days!!!" When people make sweeping generalizations about how antibiotics are overused it hurts my feelings. I understand building up a child's immune system, but not everyone takes antibiotics just so they don't have to be in pain from an ear infection. For some people like Sarah it is literally preventing her from needing a kidney transplant one day. Anyway, I'll get off my soapbox. I will just end by saying that I am thankful for this medicine that has enabled Sarah to be UTI free since the summer of 2016 after she had two that spring.
Finally, there's Robert. Before I even met him he injured his back in high school but never took care of it. After several years it was bad enough that, after no improvement from physical therapy and pain management, he had back surgery in September of 2012 for two herniated discs. He had been at about 90% ever since then, but in October he picked up Sarah, and it was the straw that broke the camel's back (almost literally). Robert was in extreme pain and went to the emergency room only to get some pain medicine. Thankfully, I got him in with his primary care physician that same day, and he was able to get an X-Ray and an MRI to get diagnosed with herniated discs, bulging discs, disc degeneration, arthritis, and spinal stenosis. I'll spare you the details, but basically the medical world moves way too slowly when you're in excruciating pain and can't walk or stand up straight. For example, his original MRI was scheduled for six weeks from his doctor's appointment! Thankfully I did lots of calling and got him in just two days later, but can you imagine waiting six weeks for an MRI so you can get a diagnosis and actually start a treatment plan? That's nuts! The silver lining is that our neighbor works at a physical therapy clinic owned by her father-in-law, and she got Robert in to see him quickly. The PT has been an absolute godsend. He has done things that other PT's have never done for Robert, and he has seen a ton of improvement. He told Robert he thinks he can be healed without surgery. Robert was also able to get an injection from at the spine institute, and has gotten a lot of pain relief from that.
I want to say thank you to our family, friends, and church members who have taken care of us during this time. You lightened our load!
We obviously wouldn't have ever wanted to experience this. It hasn't been fun to be in physical pain. It isn't fun to get medical bills in the mail. It isn't fun to spend hours in waiting rooms, but I'd like to leave you with an excerpt from a book a friend is letting me borrow. It's called The Scars That Have Shaped Me by Vaneetha Rendall Risner.
Remembering Romans puts my life in perspective. God is not surprised by disappointing news. He knows it all beforehand and uses it to conform me into his image. As I reflect on the situation and the character of God, my prayer changes. I am able to say: "Though I don't understand this situation, Lord, you have brought it into my life. Because of that, I know it is good. And I know that you will use it - both for my good and for your glory. I want to trust you. Help me to do that."
Then, every time I think about the situation, I decide to seek God in it. Rather than dwelling on the negative, I begin praying that God will use it - in my life, for others involved, to his glory. This is not an easy prayer. It is a deliberate choice to push worry, anger, and self-pity away. But as I seek the Lord and keep talking to him, he enables me to take my thoughts captive. Slowly, my sense of desperation dissipates.
Recognizing that God is going to use this trial makes me calmer. So every time I think about the issue, rather than getting upset and anxious, I pray. I ask God to work in the situation. To redirect my emotions. To help me trust him. It's easy for me to jump to conclusions. To think that a trying situation is going to lead to another and then another. I often extrapolate present difficulties into the future - which is the crux of not trusting God. Those difficulties may never present themselves, but even if they do, God's grace will be there to meet me. Even if the worst happens, God will not fail me.
I wish I could remember these truths when problems first arise. I needlessly worry when I could be trusting God. I shouldn't be surprised when trials come. The Bible says to expect them. They train me and refine me. They do deep work in my soul. The reveal my character.
I do not know how this situation will end, but I do know that God brings beauty from ashes. No matter what happens, I know he will use it for my good and his glory. There cannot be a better ending than that;
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